Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
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Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
The struggle is real.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.