When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
You Might Also Like
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.