Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
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Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.