Cauliflower has a good publicist.
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Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Meeeee too!
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Brb my Sims are getting married
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone