Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
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I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.