I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
You Might Also Like
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Terribly Tuesday.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.