Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
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ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him