This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
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I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”