Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
You Might Also Like
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
So inspired right now.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.