I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
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God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him