WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
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ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
E
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
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