[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
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Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.