Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
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If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.