Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
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No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
This is my bus stop.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude