We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
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#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Bring back the McRib
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.