Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
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Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
happy valentine’s day to me
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?