Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
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Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.