I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
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[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Meme Monday.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”