Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
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*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Made something I’m not proud of
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.