Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
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Oh yeh? Explain this then
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”