Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
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Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
an airline just for babies.