God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
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Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.