This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
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My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)