MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
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Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you