I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
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do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.