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dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue