I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.