I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
You Might Also Like
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD