I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
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I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ