PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
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2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I have never related to anyone more.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Just this preview of the story is enough
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday