Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
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Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales