The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
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and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
X-tra spooky blend
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Another interesting #factupdates post!
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Its true…
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao