*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
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Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
hmmm
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!