Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
You Might Also Like
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar