villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
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me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
The sacred texts.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.