Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
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“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
This is me
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.