Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
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The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Sending in my taxes
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]