There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
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BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Owl Sanctuary
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.