When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
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shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
the rocks need my help
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber