Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
You Might Also Like
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
first you must answer his riddles
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.