Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
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me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
where do you see yourself in five years?
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm