The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
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These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Ugh
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
dictator is short for richard potato
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.