nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
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Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.