“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
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“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism