So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
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*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
ok hear me out: Luigiana
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.