[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
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Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
How your email finds me
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Found my door mat
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.