Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
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Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions