I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
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Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
How to find Kentucky on a map
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
saving face 👀
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher