This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
You Might Also Like
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I鈥檓 not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 馃槂
“it’s $9”
馃槱
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
馃槂
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Friday
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Therapist: don鈥檛 take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I鈥檒l try
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
馃憦GIVE 馃憦THE 馃憦OTHER 馃憦49 馃憦STATES 馃憦THEIR 馃憦OWN 馃憦CHAINSAW 馃憦MASSACRE 馃憦MOVIES
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I鈥檓 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I鈥檓 not the only dinosaur here
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I鈥檓 less popular then mushrooms, because I鈥檓 not a fungi
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I鈥檓 like 鈥f parking too far away from the curb was a person.