Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
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Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.